BLOOD ON THE CARPET

BLOOD ON THE CARPET

M Night Shyalaman. Meeting Notes. Production 10

Mr Chairman: Will the delegates collectively known as M Night Shyalaman please assemble and enter your ID cards. (Pause) Thank You. Be Seated.
‘Ladies. Gentleman: I think you will agree we face – once more – something of a crisis: despite – once more – combining apparently surefire hit ingredients for our most recent venture, our borderline popularity remains unstoked, to say the least.’
Secretary: ‘Unstoked? Is that a frat film I haven’t seen?’: ”
Treasurer: ‘Is a borderline popularity like – a personality disorder or something?’
Chairman (loudly): “In view of this – I have convened this meeting as a matter of urgency and in order to give you all a chance to retain your positions..’
Scripting Delegate: ‘Sorry Brad: Glengarry Glen Ross: seen it.Not fazed.”
Chairman: (louder still): “And redeem our worth in the eyes of the Board.”
Executive Producer: “Sounds like Blasphemy Brad: can we inject some into the next project please? I’d like to make my money back this time. Blasphemy sells like – Hot Porn.”
Chairman: (grinning unpleasantly): “As you say Niall, Blasphemy does indeed sell like hot porn and hot porn is how we intend our next foray onto the silver screen to sell.”
Secretary: “Where did we get this guy? Can somebody not beat him to death with an Oxford Grammar and we start again?”
Chairman: (gesticulating): “Starting again is all very well Chet, but starting again is how we started before, nine times before to be exact and starting again is what we are going to have to do again now only this time we are going to have to start again.”
“Treasurer (to secretary) ‘?’
Chairman: “Now – what do all Americans love?”
Secretary: “Traffic?”
Treasurer: “Money?”
Executive Producer: “Hot Porn?”
Chairman: “All Americans Love God.”
Gaffer: “I love Hot Porn.”
Chairman (preaching and gesticulating wildly): “All Americans Love God and God Loves All Americans! Which is why the mass appeal of our forthcoming venture will be provided by..”
All: “God!”
Chairman: “Satan.”
All (to all): Appreciative Nod.
Secretary: “Is he available? I heard he was tied up, contracts, legals..”
Chairman: (ignoring Secretary) “All Americans either publicly or secretly lead evil lives and dread the myth of Satan and all his works which is why our next venture will present Satan and present all Americans and present their public and their secret lives and present their dread of the myth of Satan.”
Treasurer: “The biggest word you ever heard and this is how it goes – OH – Super-cali-fragi’- Sorry.”
Chairman (ignoring Treasurer, leaps on desks and spreads hands): “The scene: A Lift.”
Gaffer: “Nice. Simple lighting.”
Treasurer: “Cheap. I like it.”
Chairman: “Five actors – unknowns. Every men”
Treasurer: “I’m sold.”
Chairman: “All have secrets – all – have souls.”
Executive Executive Producer: “Ladies and Gentlemen Vincent Price has left the building.”
Script supervisor. “So the lift st..”
Chairman (interrupting): “The lifts clangs to a halt. They’re stuck. The lights go out.”
Stage Direction: THE LIGHTS GO OUT
Chairman: “A horrible noise of mutilation.”
Stage Direction: A HORRIBLE NOISE OF MUTILATION
Chairman: “The lights go up..”
Stage Direction: THE LIGHTS GO UP
Chairman: “And the first of the five – is dead.”
Gaffer: “Has anybody seen the Treasurer?”
Executive Executive Executive Producer: “Brad – this is like, totally Hollywood and everything, but..”
Chairman (interrupting): “The spartan script, written in the language of a pre-teen thriller, rolls on: The lights go out.”
Stage Direction: THE LIGHTS GO OUT
Chairman: “A horrible noise of mutilation.”
Stage Direction: A HORRIBLE NOISE OF MUTILATION
Chairman: “The lights go up..”
Stage Direction: THE LIGHTS GO UP
Chairman: “And the second of the five – is dead.”
Executive Executive Executive Producer: “Brad – Brad..what’s happened to my arm..I feel faint..I..”
Chairman (interrupting, eyes gleaming): “Phase 2: the audience get bored – we introduce gore…”
Stage Direction: THE LIGHTS GO OUT
Chairman: “A horrible noise of mutilation.”
Stage Direction: A HORRIBLE NOISE OF MUTILATION
Chairman: “The lights go up..”
Stage Direction: THE LIGHTS GO UP
Chairman: “And the third of the five – lies spangled in the blood spattered carriage.”
Script supervisor (picks Secretarys brains from sleeve): “Spangled? Eaten by – sweets? Brad – what exactly is the plot of this…”
Chairman (quickly):”The lights go out/THE LIGHTS GO OUT A horrible noise of mutilation/A HORRIBLE NOISE OF MUTILATION/The lights go up/THE LIGHTS GO UP..
Chairman: “And the script supervisor – is dead.”
Chairman: (rising to his full four feet five inches): “Until finally – The lights go out..A horrible noise of mutilation
Stage Direction: A HORRIBLE NOISE OF MUTILATION
Gaffer: “The lights go up..And the Chairman – is dead.”
Remaining personnel cheer in unison, grab neighbours by hips and proceed to Conga over bloody corpses of former colleagues.
Cue Soundtrack (to fade) “Come on Baby – Let’s do the Shyalaman Twist’ by Chubby Chequebook
Executive Executive Executive Executive Producer (to Gaffer): Nice move – sure the studio won’t mind the mess?
Gaffer: “Nah – they like a bit of blood on the carpet.”

THE END

Posted by admin on October 1, 2010. Filed under FILM REVIEWS,TRAILER PARK. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry